®
November, 1998
Greetings
canine brothers and sisters and to all my exiled royal Borzoi brethren a most fond
welcome.
The
Czarina has just returned from her annual Borzoi Rescue charity soirée where
the Diva had the pleasure of flirting with many handsome borzey suitors, and la pièce
de rèsistance, I met my four month old grandson Pavlov... who, as any sighthound
can see, has a most striking resemblance to the most gorgeous of gorgeousest femme
fatales: moi, Oksana Diva Dog Needlenose of Muffintush. Why Prince Pavlov is not
only of regal carriage, but he has a white "muffin" just above his ebony
black tush, comme La Diva!
While
the Czarina reclined on her black satin quilt, my most faithful servants brought
me a mélange of wonderful hor-d'oeuvres. We shared notre repas with a newly
exiled Borzoi dutchess whom the Czarina had the pleasure of naming "Daria"
after the daughter of famous Russian figure skater Ekaterina Gordeeva... since the
Czarina is named 
after a famous Ukrainian figure skater the Diva thought it
was only natural! In the background you can see little red & white Dutchess Daria
with her other expatriated family members all white Baron Solo and the beautiful
silver & white Baroness Jewel. Afterwards, the Diva met Pavlov's brother Déjà
Boo-Boo, who dwells with a clique of snippy Whippets, which the Czarina did her best
to avoid as it was obvious they had no clue as to royal etiquette.
The Diva and her valet enjoyed watching a bunch of silly borzeys try to be Border
Collies as the Borzois ran an obstacle course with their poky, clumsy servants. WHY
ON EARTH would a borzey bother running over and through things, when one can just
lay in the grass and get brushies from a well-trained servant? Je ne sais pas!
Unfortunately,
the Czarina did not win a prize in the raffle but she did enjoy the costume contest.
There were borzeys dressed as Elvis and as a flamenco dancer and even an exiled Afghan
dressed as a movie star. And no, the Diva does NOT participate in the contest...
when you are as gloriously, divinely gorgeous as moi WHY would you EVER COVER YOURSELF.
Hmmmm?
Czarina Oksana Princess Puddin'head Needlenose of Muffintush went as herself. What
else would you expect!? Tee-hee-hee.
Vito Machismo
Pineiro a Chihuahua from Naperville, Illinois writes:
Mi Amoré,
My humans recently brought home a female Chihuahua puppy named Lola. She's white
and likes to cuddle and play. I'm feeling very confused because I kind of like her,
but I don't want her to think she's higher in the pecking order than me because I
am ruler of my domain.
What can my humans do to make sure that the pack order of my house is not disturbed
with the addition of Lola?
Yours in lust... oh Diva if only I had a ladder!
Vito
Dear Confused Munchkin Muffin,
So, you want an answer as to what your humans can do to control the pack order, hmmmmm?
It's quite simple my little Frito Domestic: nada. Your stupid humans can't do anything.
"Why?" you ask in the pip squeaky little voice of yours... because alphas
are not created Vito, and certainly NOT by those silly humans. Alphas are BORN. I
am Diva Dog therefore I AM alpha borzey.
And you, my blini-sized canine, may not be alpha dog if you're already worrying about
some yappy puppy. Mon dieu! Vito, if you are alpha and you want to remain alpha,
then don't let the puppy play with ANY of your toys ever, growl at her if she even
sniffs at your food bowl, when you play with her don't ever let her win, and if you
find her in one of your favorite snoozing spots let her know in no uncertain terms
that THIS spot is the property of Vito.
Any alpha can train a puppy, it's all up to you cupcake.
Giant Goddess of Alphaness,
Czarina Oksana
Beauty a
Borzoi from Fredericksburg, Virginia writes:
Dear Diva,
I am too an exiled royalty from our Motherland and I now have new servants to train.
To make matters worse, my humans have allowed cats to dwell with them. And oh great
and wise Czarina, I want so much to chase them.
You understand Diva, little furry creatures that RUN. My new servants, who are otherwise
affectionate and attentive to all needs, actually yell at me every time I run after
these furry creatures. Oh Diva, this makes me so unhappy. These servants want me
to accept the cats into my pack. What shall I do?
I want to hunt, please advise,
Duchess Beauty
My dear Duchess Beauty,
The Czarina is currently enduring a somewhat similar problem with invading felines.
While my servants would never deign to bring cats into the palace... a pair of kittens
has been adopted by one of the serfs who dwells on the palace grounds, and the two
meow-meows have decided that, heavens this is so difficult to tell you, the two kitties
have decided that I, Czarina Oksana Princess Puddin'head Needlenose of Muffintush,
am their MOTHER. The kittens think that the Diva is their mother! Tee-hee-hee.
C'est dommage! Oui, mon cousine, the kitties have been dwelling upon the palace grounds
since early summer and although I don't particularly care for the Siamese & white
female "Kiki", the Irish-marked black & white male "Ollie"
has become positively obsessed avec moi, your illustrious Diva. I don't know if it's
because Ollie is marked like the Czarina or it's that he just can't resist my most
gorgeous of fluffer-nutters but when I return from my morning constitutional in the
royal hunting grounds... Ollie is there awaiting the great Diva in my carriage house.
Ollie kitty runs to greet me and he's such a sight to behold; galloping like a pony
towards the Czarina, that sometimes I discover that my great fluffer-nutter is actually
waving at him! Sometime, if I'm in a particularly benevolent mood, I bend my long
neck down towards him so we can touch noses. Many times Ollie speaks to me in feline
language. Each morning after our greeting, Ollie runs behind the iron gates and boxes
at the Diva while standing on his hind legs. I am including a photo, so you can see
just how silly this Ollie kitty truly is.
Then I run upstairs to the palace and Ollie races after the Czarina while
trying to bat my fluffer-nutter. Of course, the Diva is too swift for him. There
have been times after breakfast that Ollie has climbed over the palace walls, snuck
through my formal gardens and right into the Czarina's drawing room. Why one day,
Ollie lay down on my divan and rubbed his body all over it. I supposed even a kitty
couldn't resist the wonderful Parfum de La Diva! Tee-hee-hee! Naturally, the Czarina
couldn't be bothered with his silly antics, so I retired upstairs to the royal bed
chamber.
The Czarina has come to the conclusion that Ollie thinks he is a canine because when
I take my afternoon stroll through my village, Ollie follows me. As I walk he runs
alongside gazing up at me with total adoration... really now, one can't truly blame
him! When I stop to mark my territory, Ollie whacks at my glorious fluffer-nutter,
attempts to nibble my hindlegs and sometimes biffs me on my footers... which I don't
like at all, as the Diva IS ticklish on her footers.
So Beauty, if you truly can't stand these feline invaders you can ignore them...
since you ARE a sighthound if you decide that you don't see them... well then they
really aren't there. You know; OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.
Autumn is almost over and winter is coming. This is the BEST time of year for a borzey...
not only because it's nice and cold and you don't have to waste all that energy panting,
but because this is the time of year when Mr.
Squirrel begins to starve. Tee-hee-hee. And, you know what
that means Beauty? A hungry Mr. Squirrel is a rodent that spends most of his time
of the ground digging up all those icky nuts that get stuck in-between your toes.
And a squirrel on the ground is just one chomp away from being in YOUR tummy, Beauty.
Forget the kitties and think about all the ways you can chomp Mr. Squirrel. Yum-yum.
See my September
column for a delicious recipe for squirrel stew.
Toodles,
Cousin Oksana
Colonel Ben
Tallmadge a Basset Hound from Boston, Massachusetts writes:
Most Serene Czarina,
There's something I have to deal with quickly as my human is losing his patience.
Being a military man himself, he named me after George Washington's intelligence
officer.
I'm 8 years old, with the same commander-in-chief for the past four years. When I
meet another male dog the aggressive cavalry officer in me comes out with a vengeance.
My human thinks that this behavior is inappropriate as in my formative years it was
"done". Anything I should be considering?
Your most obedient servant,
Ben
Dear Col. Ben,
The Czarina has never had a correspondence from a Basset Hound but she believes she
can help you although the Diva is not exactly clear as to what "done" means.
But the Czarina believes that ALL canines that are NOT show dogs should be neutered
as it not only makes them happier (less frustrated), but they live much longer as
it alleviates certain maladies and curtails their urge to roam. And a roaming canine,
especially a hunting dog like a hound, is a dog that may have an unpleasant encounter
with a car. It's so much better to ride in one than be hit by one!
So, if the Colonel still has his cajônes, the Czarina advises a trip to his
doctor to remove them, immédiatement.
As for your super alpha tendencies... there is obviously a communication problem
between you and your human who has not yet learned how to communicate with you and
let you know what it is he wants of you. So because you are uncertain of his wishes,
you lash out at any invader to your territory as you are afraid.
There are two remedies, but both take TIME and PATIENCE as aggressive behavior is
not something that can be cured over night, nor should it be corrected with ANY form
of violence as this will only make you worse as you will become more fearful.
Your human needs to enroll you in an obedience class... one that meets in a public
park so that you are being trained amongst a lot of other dogs; in this way you will
learn how to behave in a civil manner around strange dogs. This class should meet
once a week and should run for at least 6-8 weeks. And, if the problem is still there
when the class is over, your human needs to enroll you in another for remedial training.
But the most important aspect of this training is your owner needs to practice with
you for 5-10 minutes twice a day, and your practices should take place in your yard,
on the sidewalk and in the park... so you learn that proper behavior is something
that is necessary all the time not just at home.
My Lady-in-Waiting informs me there is a good, inexpensive book that your human should
read but this book is not a replacement for the obedience class that you MUST go
to. "Good Owners, Great Dogs" by Brian Kilcommons will help teach your
human how to communicate with you... as it's obvious he doesn't know how.
Good luck you stumpy legged lug,
Czarina Oksana Diva Dog
Til next month, my canine comrades, Au Revoir,
Oksana Diva Dog
To all of
my canine sisters and brothers, if you have any problems or need advice on any subject,
just use the Question
Submission Form and I will be happy to respond in my monthly column:
"Ask Oksana".
P.S. Don't forget to send me a picture of yourself and to tell me where you live!
© 1998 All rights reserved.
