®
December, 1998
Apu
Sir Laserlot a Basenji from New Jersey writes:
Dear
Czarina Diva,
I am a young basenji male. I live with Selket, Queen of All Basenjis East of the
Rockies... formerly Queen of the Rockies, but as you can see, we moved to New Jersey.
This is not so bad as it may seem, because we now have a great palace and I have
my own room; although Queen Selket gets to sleep in the sunshine on the bed.
We have many, many squirrels, and the sleek and slippery Clancy the kitty has caught
one... even though she is without claws. I know, because I shred her regularly.
Unfortunately, Selket is like an old, grumpy auntie, she's always bossing me around!
Yesterday, we both licked the roasted chicken pan! I tried sooo hard to get the chicken
before it was roasted, and I nearly had it off the counter (quite a stretch for a
little sighthound like me) but my human, caught me! Boy, did I sass her!
What I want to know, oh great Divineness is, if you are interested in younger, I
mean much younger, dogs? Although, I am feeling like an adult, and I think you would
make a most wondrous lady friend, I'm wondering what you would think of me? I would
like to cuddle-up to you and take advantage of your fluffers, because my fur is very
short and it is oh so cold here in New Jersey.
Selket says I am a gentleman, and I work hard to be a well-behaved guy. Why, I've
ONLY eaten a dozen pairs of underpants! Recently, my human got a clothes hamper that
I can't pull them out of. Darn it!
Being a sighthound, I love to run! I trick the greyhounds in our park by shortening
my stride when they are chasing me; then they have to tap-dance around me. But for
you oh beauteous Czarina, I would run flat-out and we could have a great time playing
chase-you/chase-me. Then I would lie between your paws and bathe your face, and your
paws, and nibble that special spot behind your ears....Oooh, that thought gives me
shivers! So, what do you say, MuffinTush?
Anxiously awaiting your answer,
Laser
Dear Soon-to-be-Chomped, Crumpet-sized, Impudent Munchkin Dog,
"What do you say, MuffinTush?" Oh Great and Wise Czarina, to YOU, cinnamon
bun dog!
NO DOG goes between the Diva's fluffies and lives to tell the tale... and NO DOG,
regardless of size, licks the Czarina's face and most ticklish of footers, and remains
in an upright position. So, you will have to instruct your greedy, chicken-hoarding
human to BUY you a coat because the Czarina does not share her fluffies, nor her
gorgeous fluffer-nutter, with ANY canine.
Although, the Diva will admit that she most recently allowed her Bavarian beau Nick
the Rottweiler (see photo) to kiss her ear... but being that Nick is such a gentleman
and he was celebrating his 12th birthday this month and he does lumber after the
Divine Diva with such adoration... I did allow him to express his affection de moi
whilst he wagged his stump of a tail.
Nick, unfortunately, is too fat and old to play chase-me/chase-you with the Czarina...
although I DO attempt to entice him at least once a week. Most recently, the Diva
has been intrigued with a young male canine (and Laser you are not too young) that
suffers from the same afflictions as you Laser: he's the size of a kitty and is as
bald as you! Tee-hee-hee! Woody is a Rat Terrier, he's around a year old, but quite
a gentleman so that when he attempts to engage the Czarina in play he stops about
10-15 feet away from me and dances around. Due to the fact that Woody does not invade
the Diva's royal space, I find him quite amusing and I do indulge him in un petit
jeu du chase-me/chase-you.
So Laser, if you were to approach the Czarina in the same manner as the Rat Terrier,
I would probably like you. Whereas, if you were to approach me like Woody's packmate,
like Stanley the Toy Fox Terrier does, then you would certainly be as short-lived
as this rodent dog Stanley is going to be because the mouse dog runs over, stands
on his teeny stick-legs and puts his vile, little paw on the Diva's graceful, long
legs, so that he can stick his beady-eyed, ferret face up to the Czarina's regal
countenance and inhale my delicate perfume. Suffice it to say that the ONLY reason
the mouse is still breathing is because my Lady-in-Waiting stuck her walking stick
across the mouse and gave the pip-squeak a shove before I CHOMPED HIM but good.
The Czarina Oksana of MuffinTush is most intrigued with the notion that the land
of New Jersey contains "many, many squirrels". Do tell us about your hunting
exploits with Mr. Squirrel and send the Diva some pictures of the New Jersey Mr.
Squirrel, so that if the Czarina decides to have high tea and cookies with Queen
Selket she will be ready to stalk the evil rodent of New Jersey. Not YOU, munchkin
dog! Tee-hee-hee... Mr. Squirrel.
Wishing you some roasted holiday chicken and a warm coat. Tell that cheapskate human
of yours to cough-up some rubles before you freeze your cinnamon bun tail off!
Tee-hee-hee,
Czarina Oksana Borzoi Diva Dog Extraordinaire
Fame a Flat-Coated
Retriever from northern Sweden writes:
Holiday Greetings from the great Scandinavian north Czarina!
I live with a younger female, a royal one, a Borzoi, just like yourself.
Our humans have set many rules that they insist that I live by. They won't let me
do what I want to do. Here are some examples:
*sleep in their bed.
*play with male dogs
*eat all I want... they say that I'm getting fat
What to do??? I like them a lot... but sometimes life's a bitch.
Awaiting your great Nordic wisdom,
Fame
Dear Swedish Sporting Dog,
Although the Czarina has had much correspondence from her many Swedish borzey cousins,
she has NEVER had a query from a Flat-Coated Retriever, let alone a Swedish one!
You mention that you dwell with a Royal One, but you do not mention with WHOM. The
Diva wonders if your castle contains one of her Swedish cousins. Hmmmm?
It seems that since you are dwelling with a Royal One, that you are confused about
your place in the castle. This confusion is probably due to the notion that the borzoi
is younger than you.
Rest assured that the reason your bossy humans don't want you to sleep on the bed
is because they KNOW that it is reserved for the Borzoi... it is HER bed even if
she chooses not to sleep on it and the bed remains empty; it is STILL the Borzoi's
bed.
As for playing with male dogs... the Czarina finds no problem with this unless the
Borzoi has decided that they are HER playmates and in that case you will just have
to be content to watch. If on the other footer, the Borzoi truly is related to Oksana
of MuffinTush, then she probably ignores the male dogs unless they require a quick
lesson in manners and proper etiquette, and in that case, the Diva thinks you should
adopt a most wondrous borzey trait known as: SELECTIVE DEAFNESS. It doesn't matter
if your bossy humans don't like it if you play with male dogs... who cares what they
want!? It's what YOU want, Fame. Ignore those pushy humans and play with the dogs.
And, if your humans tell you not to, pretend you've suddenly gone deaf, and stop
listening to them. From one hunter to another: what's important is what you SEE.
You ARE a retriever, after all.
As for making like a pig... it's really not a good idea. It's not only bad for your
health but then you look ugly too. It's sad enough that you have to go through life
not being a beautiful sighthound... you don't have to add to your misery by making
yourself a porker too. Oink, oink.
Season's Greetings,
Czarina Oksana Needlenose of MuffinTush
Kohlbi a
young Borzoi from Orlando, Florida writes:
Dearest
Auntie Oksana,
I am sorry to take up your valuable time with my many questions, but I greatly admire
your sound and insightful comments, and a teenage borzey needs all the help he can
get!
One day, Ivan and I hopped into my Lady-in-Waiting Di's truck while we were waiting
AGAIN for slowpoke butler Jim to get ready to go to the park. Do you think it would
be permissible for Ivan and me to "borrow" the truck and let ME drive to
the park? In that way, we wouldn't have to wait for our slowpoke butler, and Lady
Di's face wouldn't get so red. Auntie Oksana, Lady Di says, "That man makes
me want to chew my own FOOT off, he's so slow!" Do you think she means it? I
hope not! I think she would look very silly with only one foot.
Please let me know your thoughts on the subject, dear Auntie, and one more thing....what
is "neutered"?
Your faithful admirer,
Kohlbi
(AKA Kobi, Goofyguy, Kobi the goof, Kobmeister, and Babydog)
Dear Prince Kohlbi of Orlando,
I certainly hope Lady Di is NOT going to chew her foot off... gracious me if she
DID it would take TOO long to serve your meals... and we both know that borzeys are
not to be kept waiting... especially when it comes to our servants.
It seems that your lazy butler is the cause of ALL your problems. He needs some remedial
training in proper etiquette and servitude of the Borzoi. It seems this sloth-like
human is too focused on what he wants when his entire life should revolve around
what his TWO borzois want... after all he DOES have Ivan's needs to serve also.
I find that when my valet is not snapping to it in the way that I deem, I find that
staring him into submission usually works. If I am unable to catch his line of sight,
then I clack my giant borzey teeth at him. Sometimes, a nice staccato yip while staring
at the door, the empty dinner bowl or the lazy hand that is supposed to be stroking
my lustrous fur coat, works quite well too. But, if he is truly a dolt then just
roll onto your back, wave your fluff-nutter over your beautiful pink tummy and SMILE
at him. No human is able to resist this.
Neutered is what happens to expatriated males when they're teenagers. You will be
more relaxed afterwards.
Salut mon petit,
Auntie Oksana
Til next month, my canine comrades, Au Revoir,
Oksana Diva Dog
To all of
my canine sisters and brothers, if you have any problems or need advice on any subject,
just use the Question
Submission Form and I will be happy to respond in my monthly column:
"Ask Oksana".
P.S. Don't forget to send me a picture of yourself and to tell me where you live!
© 1998 All rights reserved.
