March 2002
Some of you have written to me requesting a recipe for cookies. Well, the Czarina, like many canines, is allergic to wheat. Some of you probably have servants that are too stupid to realize that the reason you are scratching and biting at your haunches is the wheat (and or soy) that has been removed from most quality dog kibble is still a main ingredient in almost all dog cookies, and even a small amount of it will cause many wheat-sensitive canines (comme la Diva) to itch. So, either your humans buy you some wheat-free dog biscuits (Nutro Natural Choice-lamb/rice flavor in the green box or Iams chicken/rice flavor in the red box) or you can order your servants to bake you some dacha-made cookies with the Diva's wheat-free recipe:
OKSANA'S COOKIES D'AMOUR
4 CUPS WHEAT FLOUR
(or rice flour if you are allergic like the Diva)
2 CUPS RAW CHICKEN LIVERS
(I don't recommend beef liver as there's
too much vitamin A in it, which can be toxic)
5 TBSP. BUTTER
(forget margarine, live a little)
2 GRATED CARROTS OR
3 LARGE GRATED BROCCOLI STALKS
3/4 CUP warm CHICKEN BROTH
(salt-free)
1/2 CUP POWDERED MILK
2 LARGE BEATEN EGGS
(or 3 small eggs)
Melt 1 tablespoon of the butter in a frying pan and brown the fresh chicken livers... remove from the pan and dice. Combine the warm chicken stock with the butter in a bowl and stir until the butter dissolves, then add the powdered milk. Mix the diced livers, grated veggies and beaten eggs together and then add to the stock/butter/milk mix... Slowly add the rice flour. Knead dough for 3-4 minutes, add more flour, if needed. Roll the dough into a 1/2 inch thickness. Cut into shapes; Mr. Squirrel preferred... Place the Evil Ones on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Bake for 45 minutes @ 325º F. Allow to cool for 2 hours. When room temperature, place in zip lock bags and store in the refrigerator. They will spoil if left out of the refrigerator, so tell your dumb human to keep them refrigerated.
Peter a Borzoi from Michigan writes:
Greetings, your Divaness!
I've been pondering whether to correspond with you or not... I wasn't certain if
I was worthy enough to speak to Your Highness. I find it quite interesting that
although part of the Russian royal family, you speak a great deal of French. Are
you also of French descent? I can speak Russian fluently, though I was born in London.
You have quite the lavish lifestyle! My life is simple enough, but I have a great
deal of fun in the countryside, where I can run wherever, whenever I want.
We get a lot of sunlight in the morning, so I spend my days out on the porch reading.
Sometimes my two-leggers insist on reading to me, so I let them. They're so excited
about reading to me, but they'll stop after a page or so, because they think I look
bored. Usually I slip off to my little pond in the backyard to fish. Have you ever
tried catching fish? It's marvelous fun!
You have to stand very still and lean down without falling into the water. Swiping
at the fish with your footers won't work, but chomping the fish with your mouth works
fine, if you are fast enough. We eat fish a lot in my house, and I don't mind a
few pieces of salmon in my kibble at all.
Until next time!
Peter the Scholar
Dear Baron Peter,
You didn't mention your title, but from the looks of you, it seems you are a young
borzey, and therefore, probably a baron and not yet a prince. No, the Diva is not
of French decent. The Russian royals considered French a more aristocratic language
than Russian, so they conversed in French at the Winter Palace on a regular basis.
Since French was widely spoken by European royalty, it was quite common for royals
of many nations to speak French to one another... especially so, since very few royals
spoke Russian. Since the Diva is a White Russian, she upholds all the czarist traditions,
and adores parle en français.
The Czarina's lineage is Swedish, Finnish, German and English...
but the Diva was born in the Pacific Northwest of North America. Probably due to
my Viking heritage, the Hunter Goddess loves to eat fish especially salmon, trout
and catfish... grilled, poached or sautéed. This fishing sport that you speak
of sounds like great fun, but unfortunately there are no fish in the royal lake,
probably because the greedy wild ducks have eaten all of the fish.
I like to amuse myself by chasing the quackers across the pond. I take great delight
in causing them to honk their heads off... This can be achieved by standing still
and waiting until they drift quite close and dumb as they are, forget that the Stealth
Muffin is near. Then I leap off the nearest boulder and crash into the water and
scare the poopies out of the ducks! J'adore du pâté de foie gras... Tee-hee-hee-hee!
Bon appétit,
Oksana
Gourmet de Tout le Monde
Blitz &
Ciar of Banrigh, Scottish Deerhounds, from Ann Arbor, Michigan write again:Dear Czarina,
If you notice a squirrel with half a tail running around, I am responsible. Fat Herr Squirrel moseyed into the royal garden the other day and left half his tail behind. If he hadn't been so fat, it wouldn't have broken off when I grabbed it and tried to sling him in the air.
It was delicious,
General Blitz
Royal Consort to Queen Ciar
Dear Czarinni,
I have commissioned a fight song for the Squirrel Patrol. Hopefully,
this will speed up recruitment.
Yours,
Cira
Blitz's Squirrel Hunting Song:
(sung to the tune of the Under Dog theme)
OoooAhhhhooooo..OooooAhhhhooo
OoooAhhhhooooo..OooooAhhhhooo
When varments in this world appear
and frighten baby poopies deer
and break royal rules that they should fear
the cry goes out from far and near for
SQUIRREL PATROL...squirrel patrol
SQUIRREL PATROL...squirrel patrol
Speed of lightning.
Roar of thunder.
Fighting those who rob and plunder
Squirrel patrol AHHHHahhhhAHHH SQUIRREL PATROL
OoooAhhhhooooo..OooooAhhhhooo
OoooAhhhhooooo..OooooAhhhhooo
When in this world the Claymore reads
of rotten tree rats filled with greed
who steal the things that royals need.
to right this wrong with blinding speed comes.
SQUIRREL PATROL...squirrel patrol...
SQUIRREL PATROL...squirrel patrol
Feet of lighting.
Jaws of thunder
Fighting those who rob and plunder
Squirrel patrol AHHHHahhhhAHHH SQUIRREL PATROL!
Most
Majestic Czarina, How I long for sheep to chase, but alas, I have none. My human, Katie, will not even buy me one lamb! How I want one, but I must chase our neighbor's horses instead.... Well, it's really not so bad, the colt is very playful, but the mare keeps running me off... Then unfortunately, my human takes me to the garage for a bath. But, I get back at her by running away and rolling around in the mud and horse presents... Ha-ha!
Recently Katie, took me to a goat farm. I have to say that I do not like these creatures because one of these goats used his head to hit me in me bum! Then another one came and butted me again! These goats look somewhat like sheep but they don't seem to be afraid of me at all because I couldn't stare them down. It's easy to stare the sheep into submission but not these bloody creatures!
I love to
go running in the woods with Angel, the Doberman who lives net door. We chase deer,
but we can never get close enough to catch them. Occasionally if we find a carcass,
we'll drag it into the yard, for some reasons my human doesn't like this either!My problem concerns Ace, my human's cat, he keeps eating my food and smacking my nose... what should I do?
Eagerly awaiting your advice,
Napoleon Bone-Apart
Dear Herding Dog of the Great Smokies,
The Czarina has never encountered a goat, but it seems that you are
far too short to teach this unctuous creature its place in the world. Perhaps your
Dobie friend Angel can assist you in whomping its slit-eyed countenance onto the
ground?As far as sharing your food with a feline and allowing it to bat you on the nose... An uppity cat is toast at the Summer Palace. My kitties know their place; outside the palace door, sitting atop the stairs awaiting the Czarina's afternoon constitutional whenst the felines are allowed to follow the Diva and try to "catch" the glorious Fluffer-Nutter as she saunters along. Sometimes, in the late morning, après mon petit déjeuner, Ollie Kitty is allowed to enter the palace and sniff the royal footers...
Ollie usually finds this a tad too stimulating and the Czarina retreats into her porcelain chambre for her beauty sleep with occasional breaks for vocalizations to keep the Royal Voice in top form. Tra-la-la-la!
Au revoir,
Czarina Oksana Needlenose of MuffinTush
Until next month canine fans de tout le monde, I await your letters with a great
wave of my glorious Fluffer-Nutter,
Oksana of MuffinTush
Please
tell your stupid humans that the noble Czarina only responds to questions from canines
(and other creatures) NOT humans. The Diva does not reply to medical or serious human
concerns; ask your veterinarian. For the non-humans, just use the Question Submission Form and I will be happy to respond
in my monthly column: "Ask Oksana".
P.S. Don't forget to send me a picture of yourself and to tell me where you live!
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